Well, if 2011 could have sucked any more dick, it would have taken home an Adult Video award for a record of year-long dick-sucking. Oh sure, it wasn’t all bad, but every time I had something that felt like an accomplishment, a day or two later, I’d get some news that sucked all the joy out of my wins and left me feeling just as frustrated and isolated as the days when I was being physically assaulted and counselors were telling me it was my fault for not “acting right.”
I’m not big on making new year’s resolutions because I figure most goals I set, I’d be setting myself up for failure and depressions on a special holiday. And I can set myself up for depression any day, really. But so this year, I’m thinking about what comes next, and I kind of want to have another goal. Writer didn’t work out. I don’t have enough confidence in my art skills to go that route, and I fear I’m always going to be a crappy guitarist. My voice is strictly lounge act quality, and I made one rap album and promptly erased it after a decent critical assessment. I did pottery in high school and thought that was fun, but somehow I can’t see running a vase shop, online or not. Plus, that scene in Ghost with all the muddy clay didn’t do anything for me.
That last sentence may be a partial lie.
Thing is, I don’t know what I do next. I mean, part of my plan is to play more video games, I guess. I need to do something to pass the time. But I also need something to keep my thoughts occupied. I have to stay busy, or else that gives me more time to process memories, to run back through the mental minefield for something else I have to feel ashamed of for remembering.
Writing filled that time easily, and I took to the work so well. People for years were walking up to me, complete strangers who asked, “What’s wrong?” because I looked so troubled. But I looked lost because my mind was totally occupied by working over the details of a story piece by piece. I glazed out of the real world and started writing new sentences in my head, often hundreds of times before I could ever commit them to paper. Nothing else requires this level of brain power. I can fix computers using only half my brain. No trust me, I should know. I’ve stumbled in to work dead tired after a night of hard partying and could still diagnose a bad PC back to good health. I wouldn’t dream of writing with half my brain tried behind my back, because I’ve done that too, and the results were shit.