Twas the eve before Christmas, or so the tale goes,
but this is not the same story that everyone knows.
So gather your eggnog, and stock up on rum,
then wrap up your tootsies, and drop on your bum.
Gather round the fire and give a listen to me,
and I’ll tell you the story of a holiday killing spree
caused by the Krampus and a wyrm named Dimitri.
(Some sensitive readers may become queasy.)
It was just before midnight in a small Texas town,
and not far away, Santa Claus had touched down.
But there are writers aplenty to follow him on this night.
Most ignore the Krampus, and they might just be right.
The Krampus is ugly, and vicious, and mean.
His big yellow eyes are slitted, and his dank fur is green.
He doesn’t like bad kids, or so adults say,
and he shows up to spirit the little shits away.
But even if decent folks won’t talk about him,
the Krampus will still take your brat on a whim.
On a balmy Christmas night in 1998,
The Krampus was headed into a meeting with fate.
For in the same town feasting that night,
was a right wicked wyrm, a terrible sight!
With clothing all in black, and skin all in white,
the wyrm could give most humans a fright.
Prom Orvest Dimitri is a monster quite cold.
An evil blood drinker, he’s many millennia old.
The place that he dined at was a dead quiet house.
Dimitri ate everything, even the mouse!
He ate momma in her nightgown, and poppa in his trunks.
He ate both the boys tucked away in their bunks.
These boys had been turds, rotten kids through and through,
and the Krampus had planned to cook them up in a stew.
So imagine his grief when he slipped into the room
and found that both boys had just met their doom.
The Krampus shouted, “Now what’s all this then?
You’ve come and gobbled up part of my din-din!”
And Dimitri replied, in a voice low and cool,
“There’s something like five billion humans, you fool.
Why don’t you try some other human in town,
Before I get angry and beat your ass down?”
The Krampus got mad; man, he was thoroughly pissed!
It isn’t so often that the Krampus gets dissed.
The Krampus shouted, “Get bent, you germ!”
And then the daemon leapt at the wyrm.
Dimitri melted down onto the floor,
moving like warm oil toward the door.
The Krampus became smoke, and the creatures tussled a lot.
But neither could make any kind of true killing shot.
When they realized they were evenly matched,
a new plan was formed, an evil plot hatched.
Dimitri said, “In the spirit of Christmas, why don’t we share?
We’ll divide up the bad kids. Won’t that be fair?”
The Krampus said, “Or you eat the parents, and I’ll take the kid?”
The plan sounded fine, so that’s just what they did.
Many families were slain on that Christmas night,
bringing terror to all, and to you, a bad fright.
Let this be a lesson to improve your Christmas attitude.
There’s really no reason to be nasty or rude.
And maybe this once, you can get along with your brood.
After all, on Christmas, even monsters can share food.
Merry Christmas to all, except for WP, whose formatting of HTML blows harder than a porn star looking for a big money shot. (That’s why there are extra periods in this post.) I’m flipping you off now, WP! (‘°>_<)° \,|,/