You know how you sometimes read a joke, and it’s written in just the right way that you hit the punchline right as you’re trying to swallow a mouthful of soda? And instead of swallowing, you start to laugh and shoot soda through your nose. Don’t you hate that?
Well I fuckin’ love it, and I love making people snort on their drinks. It’s so deliciously evil, but in a nicer, socially acceptable form. It’s evil lite.
My addiction to torturing people in this manner started in middle school, when I could make people snort on milk simply by dropping a choice word. Look right at a guy drinking his milk, grin, and say, “fartknocker.” Fucking works every time. One milk geyser, comin’ up!
But while milk is funny visually, it’s not as physically discomforting to the victims as carbonated beverages are. In fact, milk is rather soothing after the initial shock of passing a cold liquid the wrong way through a pipe designed primarily for conveying air, sinus medications, cocaine and French-inhaled hash hits into the body.