Cough on your drink?

You know how you sometimes read a joke, and it’s written in just the right way that you hit the punchline right as you’re trying to swallow a mouthful of soda? And instead of swallowing, you start to laugh and shoot soda through your nose. Don’t you hate that?

Well I fuckin’ love it, and I love making people snort on their drinks. It’s so deliciously evil, but in a nicer,  socially acceptable form. It’s evil lite.

My addiction to torturing people in this manner started in middle school, when I could make people snort on milk simply by dropping a choice word. Look right at a guy drinking his milk, grin, and say, “fartknocker.” Fucking works every time. One milk geyser, comin’ up!

But while milk is funny visually, it’s not as physically discomforting to the victims as carbonated beverages are. In fact, milk is rather soothing after the initial shock of passing a cold liquid the wrong way through a pipe designed primarily for conveying air, sinus medications, cocaine and French-inhaled hash hits into the body.

Would I lie to you?

“Sometimes you can learn more about a person by what they don’t tell you. Sometimes you can learn a lot from the things they just make up. If you are tagged with this Meme, lie to me. Then tag 7 other folks (one for each deadly sin) and hope they can lie.”

Jamie Eyberg started this chain by tagging Cate, and then she tagged Jodi. Then Jodi tagged me and here we are.

Pride: What is your biggest contribution to the world?

My 2,000 illegitimate children.

Envy: What do your coworkers wish they had which is yours?

My coworkers wish they had my schedule.

Gluttony: What did you eat last night?

Two large supreme pizzas, a pitcher of stout, and a half a strawberry cheesecake.

Lust: What really lights your fire?

Gymnastics floor exercises.

Anger: What is the last thing that really pissed you off?

When the price of my favorite sex lubricant went up.

Greed: Name something you keep from others.

My boogers. They’re mine! Do you hear? MINE! NOM NOM NOM.

Sloth: What’s the laziest thing you’ve ever done?

Paid a foreign intern to write my blog posts, did I.

So I tag Jerrod and S.D.

Book Review: Rot

Death comes for us all, and our fear of dying is so powerful that we often are unable to let go of loved ones who pass on. In a world where the dead can be brought back to life, some people are willing to pay to keep their loved one “alive,” if only for a short time as a zombie.

This is the basic premise behind Rot, a smart and fast paced novella written by Michele Lee and published by Skullvines Press. The story is narrated by Dean, who works as a literal trouble-shooter for Silver Springs. A cross between a nursing home for the undead and a low-security prison, Silver Springs is where families send their undead relatives so they will not be upset by the decomposing appearance of their loved ones. So the zombies at the facility spend their days rotting into mush.

But sometimes, some of the zombies disappear for other reasons.

Oh, fuck! Who leaked talent into the pool?

I’m getting some new stiff competition in the coming months. I’d name names, but the fact is, this week alone I’ve read no less than four emerging proposals for new serial fiction stories. These are coming from professional writers, and in two of these cases, the writers have made this decision only after entering dire financial straits.

First  let me make it clear that I welcome these writers to the web market, and I will be checking out their stories as soon as the first parts are published. If I like them, I’ll both donate funds and take time to do some freebie promotion for them. The only reason I’m not promoting them now is that I don’t know any of the writers or their styles. I don’t like giving a blind referral without having some idea of what I’m selling. I’m funny like that.

Still for as much as I hope these writers succeed, it bothers me that not too many of the pros would consider coming down to whore on the the direct market until after they were strapped and in need of money for important shit like bills, grocery, and worse, medicine for the kids.

Actually, I think I’ll stay retired…

As I sit here in front of my desk, balancing a water bottle on my forehead to relieve boredom, it occurs to me that I don’t really like being retired, and yet, I don’t really mind it either.

I miss a few things about work. There was always something that I had to research, whether it was a new computer problem or reading a manual to learn how to change the bulb in a projector. Work kept me busy, and when work didn’t, I could always gab with my coworkers.

But you know what I don’t miss about work? Managers. I don’t miss time clocks, half hour lunch hours, ass kissers, drama queens, pissy customers with god complexes or looming deadlines. I love waking up when I feel like it, and I love being able to get to work only after I feel ready to tackle the day.

What about weresheep?

Okay, if you’re reading Blind Rage, you now know that in my fictional world, you get the werekin curse, and then you turn into the animal you most closely identify with. Until the night of your first transformation, it’s a guessing game what you’ll be.

Everybody wants to be a cool wereanimal, and there’s a lot of great possibilities. A crocodile may be a slow animal on land because of its short limbs, but a werecrocodile wouldn’t be hindered in the same way, and they’d have a HUGE mouth to worry about. Even something like a werehawk would be cool, provided that you could fly. You would be really terrifying when you swooped down, gripped a victim in your talons and spirited them away to slash open their tender guts with your razor sharp beak.

Some thoughts on e-publishing from J.A. Konrath, and my reflections on the issue…

J.A. Konrath put up a blog entry,  A Newbie’s Guide to Publishing. This mostly sums up my feelings on publishing versus e-publishing, but I think these opinions carry more weight when they’re coming from someone who has experience actually dealing with publishers. His article is rather lengthy, so you should go read that first. My shorter thoughts come after the cut.

Another great review for Zombie Punter!

Writer Matthew Fryer has posted a review for Zombie Punter here on his blog, The Hellforge. His review begins, “This short novel hooked me from the off.” It gets better from there, but you should check the article out on his blog.

Thank you Matthew for taking the time to check out my story, and for your great review.

Oh, sure, NOW there’s traffic…

I look at blog traffic, and…WTF, people. Where were you people when I solved the Middle East conflicts in one post? I got ONE page view for that post and had to delete it in shame! But you all show up when I confess to stupid shit like being willing to toss a dog a plastic bone with someone who may, or may not look like Martin Mull. But enough about Amy Winehouse!

(Though, Megan, if you see this post…call me. You know, I really do live in Milan, and it’s quite a romantic city. I could give you a tour, if you like. We’ll do lunch by the Duomo. It will be fabulous. Think about it.)

Yes, I’d totally fuck Megan Fox

I saw a Facebook quiz, Would Megan Fox Date You? Carlton Mellick III took the test and found out that yes, Megan Fox would date him. So some guys are on the same post saying stuff like “meh, she’s not my type.”

WHATEVER. Guys, if a woman is nude and doesn’t make you vomit, you’d bone her. You know you would, so if Megan Fox showed up asking to go out for a night on the town, you know you’d be going.

I certainly would, and after the date, I’d be trying to get a kiss. I’m slipping her the tongue for sure. If she doesn’t balk at that, then we’re heading inside to work up some carpet burns and exchange O faces.

But then again, I’m a total horn-dog, and I’d fuck Amy Winehouse after those rave pictures. With a strap-on, in the ass. In the den, with Col. Mustard.

I’m glad we cleared that up.